Now it’s less than 20 days, but who is counting.  JULY IS MAGIC MONTH! It was declared by my friend and coach Jo and confirmed by me. She is going to double her business, I am going to have my article called “Room For Love” published in a UK glossy, someone is going to read it and I am going to get a contract for a permanant guest spot OR my own show in the UK. AND I am going to meet my husband to be! The One. MY MAN… the one I have really been manifesting – that awsomly fabulous brilliant, hysterical guy who is super sexy who makes me smile even when I don’t want want to…. who holds me and I feel safe and warm…. who spoils me rotten and takes care of me in that way I have always wanted to be taken care of… he is my partner and my firend… OH, I meet him before the 20th and we are going to Greece together… did I tell you that?

And then,  The brilliant Rob Breezny quoted my horoscope for the week of July 2- in Free Will Astrology -

MAGIC (ma’ jik), n. 1. A mysterious event or process that seemingly refutes the known laws of science. 2. A willed transformation of one’s own state of mind. 3. A surprising triumph that exceeds all expectations. 4. Something that works, though no one understands why. 5. The impossible becoming possible. 6. “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” (Arthur C. Clarke.) 7. A quality predominant in the lives of Pisceans during the period July 1 through July 20, 2009…

Isn’t that just the wierdest? I mean, We decare magic and then it is confirmed? Strange, no? SO it’s trure? it means that I have to finnish this article that I am writing and It means that it will be picked up as a TV series. AND it means that I get to finally meet him and HE finally gets to meet ME. Poor thing has been waiting SO long… ha. I had never thought about it that way. It’s much more fun to think about it like that….

So, my biggest question right now is, “What is the cosmic joke?” I thought I had it all figured out. I thought that the reason I hadn’t met the man of my dreams, fell in love, gotten married, had kids was because of this TV show. But they just cut me. Yes, cut me. It is actually pretty funny, but I feel like wallowing right now and not getting to the humor right now. I’ll get there and I am sure I will have a good laugh. Later.

I am confused and sad and feel raped of a lot of things.  I am also pissed and feel that they are irresponsible and messy. How could they do this to someone? It’s not just a show, it was changing someones life and peoples lives together. I was getting married and now I am not. Am I that hard to find a partner for? I would think that a billion dollar matchmaking service would be able to fine ME a husband. I mean, honestly… I am easy to look at, have a fabulous personality, I am funny, smart, well travled, self aware… Is that too much?

But I have had and have the best life. I love my life. I do. But like I have said a million times, all of this is gravy – whats a the core of a fufilled life – in my eyes – is being able to share it with another. I am blessed, I know! I live a charmed life, I am healthy, I have lots of freinds and so much love – but I want to share my life with another! I do! And yes, I do want to be a TV personality – I always have. It seemed that this show was a manifestation of the ultimate variety. Pretty much wizzarding in a genious fashion – outdoing much of my wizzarding of the past. (Save for the spa styling job I had in Bali…) And now – here I am again. Single, in my one bedroom in Manhattan (which I love…) with no fiancé, no wedding to plan and no TV show. Now what? What do you do after this? I certainly am not internet dating – I was the spokes model for Match.com for gosh sakes… and look waht that got me? 1500 letters, a great photo, a commercial and a raido spot. Oh, and a 500$ gift card from American Express. Oh, I forgot to mention the T-shirt they sent me. I wonder where that is?

So now what? I guess I am not ready to go to the “now what”. I am still in, ” I can’t believe this is happening”.  I suppose I need to process and then think about the “now what”. Right now, I need to get this all out with some loud acid rock and some pole dancing.

Well, It’s been so long since I have last posted… and so much has happened. Ups and down, twists and turns. On the upside, my eating has hit a place of neutral. I eat breakfast most of the time and look forward to it. My cravings, binges and freak outs have subsided for 2 whole weeks. And, I lost weight! I’m eating more often, but I lost weight? Ha! My shrink is fast blowing holes in all of my theories! I think I have a ways to go, but I can see that I am pretty close. Beautiful place to be.

And on the man/husband/tv show front… Its seems that they have pushed the production back – AGAIN. The matchmaking weekend was to be this coming weekend. I was going to meet my husband to be and really dive into my wedding plans. However, TV time and real time seems to be completely different animals. So here I am, pretty much in limbo. They haven’t set a new date for matchmaking weekend, so we haven’t set a date for the wedding. Not that setting dates mean anything in their world. What upsets me the most about this is that I really want to get on with my life, meet that guy, get to know him, fall in love, have a kid and then see whats next – together. But I feel as if I am back where I was when this whole wild ride started – but now I am a year older, however a lot wiser and a lot more grounded. I am not sure where this wisdom and grounding is coming from, but I have to go wit it and stay in that place. Limbo is a horrid place to be whereas having ones feet on the ground, head in the sky… it’s OK – I know nothing is wrong. I think I just quoted my favorite song – “this must be the place” by the Talking heads. Interesting… guess I have to think about that?

None of my jeans fit. Well, thats not entirely true. I  just tried then all on and they were all too tight, save for 1 pair of AG denims that I have had for years and had to repair the rip I put in them from squatting one day and 1 pair of AG cords. Thank god for cords which stretch. Other than those 2, none seemed to fit my “new” body. Yes, I suppose I am happier with my new way of thinking about food and eating and the space that has opened up to think about other things, but I miss my thin thighs and thin arms. I have been working out alot lately. The new Tracey Anderson video is exceptional. But somehow, my body stays the same. I don’t eat that much – but I guess the shift from 1 meal a day and 32 ounces of vegetable juice to 3 meals a day and 1 vegetable juice is keeping my body where it is. I have a stylist friend who keeps telling me what a beautiful figure I have. I do have a nice figure. But I miss my old one. I’m on the verge of tears, right now, perhaps mourning the 6 pairs of jeans and 2 pairs of trousers that are now in my enormous bag of clothes that don’t fit or I don’t wear. I’m not sure that I think less about food than I used to, but I guess I obsess less. Maybe I’m sad because I am mourning an old way of being and of thinking. Seriously though – no one is going to love me any less because I am a few pounds heavier. My x-boyfriend said I looked great and I was about 10-15 pounds lighter…

I hear myself and I can’t believe that I’m so focused on this trivial subject! If I spent half the amount of time working that I did thinking about food and my body I would be more productive than Richard Branson. And I am still single. But I am getting married to someone that I don’t know. Will he like my body? He will have no idea what I looked like before. I hate how I sound and I hate that I still get sad. The plus side is that I am not going to go on a “cleanse”. I am not going to put a band-aid on all of this and do anything drastic. I am choosing to stay inside of it, choose to love the body that I am in and continue the path that I am on. I’m sad. Very sad. But I guess thats where I need to be right now.

Strange – I wrote this on Jan 22 and it too was never posted…

I just got back from having a coffee (decaf, splash of soy and splash of hot coco – mmmmm) with an old friend who I haven’t seen in ‘like’ forever.  She is an exceptional woman who I have known for a long time through many incarnations and actually many sources. We were sitting at City Bakery at the Drew Barrymore table” (Drew and Hugh sat there in Music and Lyrics) chatting away and these 3 tall HOT French men sat down next to us. We both look at each other not only caught off guard, but somehow silenced by disbelief.  While neither one of us is EVER shy for words and shy is certainly not a word  you would use to describe either one of us – but what to do? We did nothing. We chatted away in our own little world as if the seats next to us were empty. We are both still single and both dateless tonight. Tomorrow too I may add.

But an interesting topic arose from this non-encounter. How to compare the internet dating websites? Has anyone really ever discussed this? True, there are comparisons on line and a few people have mentioned a few of the sites and talked about them – but there is much to be said about each and every one of them. I wrote a spa review a few years back and I think my next review must be a dating review – Lord knows I’m the expert!

I wrote this on Dec 28th – never posted?

Several years ago – like 6 – I was in India practicing yoga down south with a whole bunch of other people feeling free and embracing the culture as much as we could. I embraced over-sized clothes that hid my body, because at the time, you had to be modest in that town. I also embraced several foods that I hadn’t eaten in years and  know now that I am intolerant of. I packed on the pounds and ignored it. I didn’t look at a full length mirror for 4 months and I was happy to eat freely, but missing my body. I was happy until I had to  put on a bikini in Goa next to my friend Kathy, skinny, tall, blond and SO not Jewish.

I like to think that I can hide.  In my new and beautiful apartment I have a mediocre full length mirrior and I have chosen to not weigh myself for some time now. I went shopping today and saw what has been hiding underneith all of these black stretchy winter clothes that I have been wearing for the past few weeks. I started laughing, which for me is big progress….

Its 2009 and its a bit strange.

It’s 2009 and my passport expires on March 31.  I never thought that day would ever come.  It is a bit sad and it is also a benchmark.  This book is filled with extensive travels. Each stamp is a reminder and has a story and a memory or 2.  It is filled again with visas and extension pages. I’m very proud of this. When I I was in school I had a friend who was a model  and she had extension pages and I gushed with envy. This became a goal. Goal accomplished. Well done.

It’s 2009 and I’m getting married this year.  To whom? We will all have to wait and see.  It’s a good thing because I have proved once again that I cannot choose myself. The Englishman turned out to be a flake and presently – there is no one.  Funny, I asked a very well trained person recently what they would do if they knew they were going to be married in 4 months (or so) to someone they didn’t know. Her answer shocked the hell out of me.

1) fulfill every fantasy she ever had

2) do everything possible to meet him before they find him.

Now option one sounds interesting… but could I really do that? Option 2, haven’t I been doing that? Perhaps not. Maybe making a blog super public is a really good idea?

It’s 2009 and I have made a resolution and a commitment to always SIT down when I eat. This will encourage mindful eating and hopefully, eliminate mindless munching. I had some gumdrops at Whole Foods tonight, do gumdrops count as food? Does this count as mindless munching while walking? I guess I’m off to a bitter sweet start then.

It’s 2009 and I started going to the gym and bought “bikini boot camp”  2 days ago. My clothes don’t fit and I have what I am calling a “holiday belly”. I don’t like this holiday belly.  I realized how much I have been eating and drinking for the past few weeks and its allot. I also realized that ignoring my clothes not fitting and ignoring a scale is only going to make matters worse. I am OK though… meaning, I am not obsessing and getting all upset and hating myself. This is progress.

It’s 2009 and I am ready for more… for food issues and Singletonism to be states of being from the past – things and thoughts that I used to think about and now wonder what it was like to think about or do… I am definitely ready… bring it on 2009…

I know I am a wizard in the manifestation department.  I just need to keep my head there ALL the time. If I don’t, I go off on tangents in my head and end up with my hand in the chocolate or whatever the indulgence of choice is at that time. But my aunts husband was NO help with his questions last night.  Why, he asks me?!  “Why are you single?”  As if I know the answer to that question. My astrologer says that I’m a late bloomer. I think it has alot to do with the fact that I have not-so great taste in men.  All my boyfriends and men that I was interested in ended up not working out how one would hope.  Look,  I don’t get it either and I will be able to answer this cosmic joke of a question at some point….

My mother has a beautiful house in upstate NY and I love going up there for some air and a break from the city. I surprisingly have alot of friends up there and have made some new ones as well. A few weeks ago I even met a great guy at a party.  I was wearing a turtleneck and clogs! HA, go figure. He is English, a gentleman, a very fit tri-athelete and supposedly has healing hands.  Nice guy.

This past weekend, a friend of mine had a big open house party at her brilliant shop in High Falls NY called Nectar. She asked if I could possibly help out and work which I would have loved to have done.  When I got there she clearly didn’t need me but I chose to stay all day as I was a bit stranded and had no car.  There were lots of fun people, lots of great food, wine, chocolate, cheese and of course the surroundings were incredible – her shop is filled with amazing things from all parts of the world.  I nibbled, munched and grazed all day.  Then as life works – I was going to go home and the Englishman showed up with his kid.   I suppose he really does not have very good manners because there was no “its so nice to see you, lets have dinner this week… “  something!!!!!!!” But that was not said.  I sensed his sadness and his bitterness towards his own situation, and I need not that in my life. Besides, I’m getting married in the spring anyway. I think my next post needs to be an exploration if I should tell men that I meet that I am getting married in the spring.  Back to our story when the protagonist was going to launch into a rant about that she really didn’t even like the Englishman she is  just sad, lonely and in desire of some male hands on her body!

I joined my sweet friend and awsomly fabulous man for dinner afterwards. We met up with a couple friend of theirs. All happy, all with kids, all younger than me. I wont even bore you with how I felt – but I took the emptiness of love and filled it with wine, french fries, steamed greens and then lots of chocolate.  Its interesting,  Flling a spiritual void with food is pretty darn unfufilling as it really just makes you sick. I mean, If your gut instinct is to run, hit a wall, bash a window in with a baseball bat – why move to food? Food is love and love is food – or so we are taught or shown as children. But its not. Food is nurishment. Food is also the medium for which I choose to express my creativity. It is also the medium for which I choose to express love and for which I choose to abuse mindlessly. Would I do this if my medium was paint or clay?  Thats a thought to explore on for a while.

I went to the wedding of my high school prom date last night. It was such a lovely evening and I had the pleasure of seeing friends that were such an integral part of my past that I haven’t seen for over 10 years. Some I haven’t seen since high school. I of course started tearing when Jed broke the glass and the clapping and Mazel Tovs began. He looked so happy and his lovely wife looked so stunning. I told him he won the lottery with nailing that babe!

I told my old friend Marc about the TV show. Marc and I have known each other since were 11 years old and were pretty tight in High School. We all had alot of fun together. Anyway, like I said, I haven’t seen him since high school. His take on the show was that it was beyond perfect. He and his wife have been together for 10 years and were even together in high school. He looked at it as my chances for love and a successful marriage were just as great as his. He also mentioned that remembering my boyfriends I do have pretty off taste in men and would most likely be better with others choosing for me! (thanks Marc!)

I feel good about the show again. I was thinking that they were never going to find someone for me, and that I’m actually too chicken to be married! I mean, can I be a wife? Can I? If I have never been a great girlfriend, than what makes me think I can be a wife? Would I want to marry me? I mean, Im cute, fun, a great cook, a great friend… but I never put tops back on things, I’m messy, I wont clean (yes, I have a cleaning woman) and I can get pretty reclusive. I mean, I know I can be a wife… I guess its just a new way of thinking about things and really talking. I’m really good at not talking -