None of my jeans fit. Well, thats not entirely true. I just tried then all on and they were all too tight, save for 1 pair of AG denims that I have had for years and had to repair the rip I put in them from squatting one day and 1 pair of AG cords. Thank god for cords which stretch. Other than those 2, none seemed to fit my “new” body. Yes, I suppose I am happier with my new way of thinking about food and eating and the space that has opened up to think about other things, but I miss my thin thighs and thin arms. I have been working out alot lately. The new Tracey Anderson video is exceptional. But somehow, my body stays the same. I don’t eat that much – but I guess the shift from 1 meal a day and 32 ounces of vegetable juice to 3 meals a day and 1 vegetable juice is keeping my body where it is. I have a stylist friend who keeps telling me what a beautiful figure I have. I do have a nice figure. But I miss my old one. I’m on the verge of tears, right now, perhaps mourning the 6 pairs of jeans and 2 pairs of trousers that are now in my enormous bag of clothes that don’t fit or I don’t wear. I’m not sure that I think less about food than I used to, but I guess I obsess less. Maybe I’m sad because I am mourning an old way of being and of thinking. Seriously though – no one is going to love me any less because I am a few pounds heavier. My x-boyfriend said I looked great and I was about 10-15 pounds lighter…
I hear myself and I can’t believe that I’m so focused on this trivial subject! If I spent half the amount of time working that I did thinking about food and my body I would be more productive than Richard Branson. And I am still single. But I am getting married to someone that I don’t know. Will he like my body? He will have no idea what I looked like before. I hate how I sound and I hate that I still get sad. The plus side is that I am not going to go on a “cleanse”. I am not going to put a band-aid on all of this and do anything drastic. I am choosing to stay inside of it, choose to love the body that I am in and continue the path that I am on. I’m sad. Very sad. But I guess thats where I need to be right now.
