So, my biggest question right now is, “What is the cosmic joke?” I thought I had it all figured out. I thought that the reason I hadn’t met the man of my dreams, fell in love, gotten married, had kids was because of this TV show. But they just cut me. Yes, cut me. It is actually pretty funny, but I feel like wallowing right now and not getting to the humor right now. I’ll get there and I am sure I will have a good laugh. Later.

I am confused and sad and feel raped of a lot of things.  I am also pissed and feel that they are irresponsible and messy. How could they do this to someone? It’s not just a show, it was changing someones life and peoples lives together. I was getting married and now I am not. Am I that hard to find a partner for? I would think that a billion dollar matchmaking service would be able to fine ME a husband. I mean, honestly… I am easy to look at, have a fabulous personality, I am funny, smart, well travled, self aware… Is that too much?

But I have had and have the best life. I love my life. I do. But like I have said a million times, all of this is gravy – whats a the core of a fufilled life – in my eyes – is being able to share it with another. I am blessed, I know! I live a charmed life, I am healthy, I have lots of freinds and so much love – but I want to share my life with another! I do! And yes, I do want to be a TV personality – I always have. It seemed that this show was a manifestation of the ultimate variety. Pretty much wizzarding in a genious fashion – outdoing much of my wizzarding of the past. (Save for the spa styling job I had in Bali…) And now – here I am again. Single, in my one bedroom in Manhattan (which I love…) with no fiancé, no wedding to plan and no TV show. Now what? What do you do after this? I certainly am not internet dating – I was the spokes model for Match.com for gosh sakes… and look waht that got me? 1500 letters, a great photo, a commercial and a raido spot. Oh, and a 500$ gift card from American Express. Oh, I forgot to mention the T-shirt they sent me. I wonder where that is?

So now what? I guess I am not ready to go to the “now what”. I am still in, ” I can’t believe this is happening”.  I suppose I need to process and then think about the “now what”. Right now, I need to get this all out with some loud acid rock and some pole dancing.