J’adore Paris. I really do. The city just makes sense to me. It’s small, beautiful, filled with beautifully designed things – everything. Much like Italy – everything has a sense of aesthetic behind it. No wonder I feel so creative here. I suppose it is also because I went to school here and really learned how to be creative here. J’adore Paris.

But will I stay? I would like to say yes to that. Funny – It’s true that we get everything we as for… I said, “I’d like to stay in Paris longer” and here I am. I had even said ages ago that I would prefer Paris to London. I could commute! I guess I am  stuck in a way – I could go back to Manhattan. But that is not good for me. This is a good place for me. Now I need to find a way to stay. I need to find a way to stay, create an income and create that home I have always been dreaming about.

Home – I know it is just where you are and where your heart is. But truly I feel that Home is best and fully created with another. That feeling of “I’m ok and nothing else really really matters all that much because this is where I belong most”. I know that feeling – I want that feeling. Interesting, according to Vipassana meditation one is not to become attached to a feeling. That is the root of suffering. hmmm, interesting realization.

But this all just brings me back to knowing what I DO want. I DO want a home, a few of them!  I do want to be in a loving & nurturing relationship with that man I have described and visualized so many times… I do want to have babies with him and have a beautiful and fun, rich life together… It feels so close – like it’s here… like I can almost reach out and touch it… But then I look around me and my things scattered around my freinds apartment and in a suitcase on the floor. BUT – maybe they are in a suitcase because I have to be all packed up and ready to go?! NOW THAT is a great thought!

I never realized how spoiled my life was in Manhattan. When you have an island like that with everything with in a 9 mile radius – AND a snappy little yellow vespa AND you know the place like the back of your hand… it’s hard to compare. So here I am… I know some, but not enough. I miss my yoga classes, my body hurts from not practicing, my stomach is strange from eating wierd food in strange order and not drinking enough green juice. I am craving meat and fat and I am eating way too much chia and tahini. BUT I am here.

I did go to yoga this morning. It was lovely. It made me miss my classes and my home. But if this is home now then what is that? Back my mind goes to my aching back.

I just pulled 2 Osho cards – “we are the world” and “going with the flow” – Perfect. I can’t think of better cards to pull. I have to just go with the flow. I have to just go with what my body feels, if it wants tahini and chia, and it goes to Lotte Burke instead of Iyengar yoga right now, ok… lets just go with it.  And if I don’t have the right clothes here, the right shoes, my paintings, my pillows, my vitamix and all of my things… well – let’s just go with it. I am lucky – I am here and work is about to pour in. I have friends, new furnature, 2 great flatmates and a very good sense of humour. OH, and I was just taken to the ballet by a really nice guy….

So here I sit, in my new ‘flat’ in Chelsea. Only this time, it’s not so beautiful, and I’m not overlooking the Hudson. I am on a noisy road in Chelsea in a 3 floor house filled with boy stuff, Chesterfield sofas, humidors and lots of other peoples things all over the place. My room has a mattress on the floor that cost way too much money and is hurting my back. I am waiting for more furnature, but nothing is easy when you pick up and move like I do…

I adore my “flat-mates”. They are true guys. They leave dishes, forget to buy loo paper and they don’t notice when it smells like smoke. Why am I here? Call it a fire under the ass or something like that. But I’m here. I am in London – I have worked a bit but as my new friend Gabreilla says… it’s the time in my life that I focus on being social and attaining that other stuff I want in my life. The work part will come. It will.

Reading back on some old posts I saw my “20 days to create magic” Can I do it again? Can I focus for 20 or so days and create some magic??? I leave for Paris on the 2nd of Dec so that sounds like a good amount of time – I can try the new cleanse I wrote, meet my guy, finish my herb degree and get a column. But that is not magic… that is just task list. Well, the guy part isn’t and the column part isn’t.  Fuck, do I have to keep doing this? I guess that’s what we do – we dust ourselves off and we get up and we move on. I guess, right at this moment I am not supposed to be married with kids in my beautiful house with my adoring swish and fab man loving me to bits… I guess at this moment this is where I am supposed to be. With back pain from my expensive mattress that I can’t exchange, sitting in my not-so-clean-living room on this noisy street in Chelsea, in this house filled with too much stuff and boys who leave dishes…

SO my brilliant food shrink has assigned me to write every day for 10 minutes. I am to write what it would be like if I trusted myself 100% with food today. Oye… what it would be like… SO, I started writing today and lets see how that goes. BUT i am posing a challenge along with this. NO WALKING AND EATING. Every morsel that goes into my mouth must be eaten sitting down. Every one. Not even frozen yogurt – which seems to be my new obsession.

Anyone care to join me?

Well I did create magic. And it was very very cool. I met a lot of men… they came and went and then I met the best guy. He was dashing and clear and older – he did yoga and understood colonics. He got me in a way that no man has ever got me. I also didn’t even care what I looked like around him. I met him in a very hap-in-stance kind of way. A chance encounter. I was not even attracted to him. BUT I knew we had a connection and that we would be friends. Long story short – we ended up going out. He invited me to do yoga. He made me a juice. I have waited my whole life for someone to make me a juice. He held my feet (I am a sucker for someone holding my feet), he kissed me on the head and was the most gentle sweet man that was honest to the core. True, he is a womanizer, I knew that – and I told him that I have no intention of being with someone who is with someone else. I can’t. I want to be in love with a man who is more in love with me… who wants me. The type of love Julia and Paul had. The love story… I want to have babies and houses… and I am honest and excited about it. SO- this didn’t scare him. Or maybe it did because he has since disappeared… But not after he paid for my trip to Tel Aviv… But this is a whole other post. This post is about the post magic. As I am now in NY and now creating more magic.

Sitting in my apartment in Chelsea looking over the Hudson, thinking about all of the magic I am creating now. I met my 20 day challenge head on and sometimes it does not look exactly like you want it to but it certainly CAN be done, which is encouraging and I will go back to that post often… on to the next one… more magic to come…

Now it’s less than 20 days, but who is counting.  JULY IS MAGIC MONTH! It was declared by my friend and coach Jo and confirmed by me. She is going to double her business, I am going to have my article called “Room For Love” published in a UK glossy, someone is going to read it and I am going to get a contract for a permanant guest spot OR my own show in the UK. AND I am going to meet my husband to be! The One. MY MAN… the one I have really been manifesting – that awsomly fabulous brilliant, hysterical guy who is super sexy who makes me smile even when I don’t want want to…. who holds me and I feel safe and warm…. who spoils me rotten and takes care of me in that way I have always wanted to be taken care of… he is my partner and my firend… OH, I meet him before the 20th and we are going to Greece together… did I tell you that?

And then,  The brilliant Rob Breezny quoted my horoscope for the week of July 2- in Free Will Astrology -

MAGIC (ma’ jik), n. 1. A mysterious event or process that seemingly refutes the known laws of science. 2. A willed transformation of one’s own state of mind. 3. A surprising triumph that exceeds all expectations. 4. Something that works, though no one understands why. 5. The impossible becoming possible. 6. “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” (Arthur C. Clarke.) 7. A quality predominant in the lives of Pisceans during the period July 1 through July 20, 2009…

Isn’t that just the wierdest? I mean, We decare magic and then it is confirmed? Strange, no? SO it’s trure? it means that I have to finnish this article that I am writing and It means that it will be picked up as a TV series. AND it means that I get to finally meet him and HE finally gets to meet ME. Poor thing has been waiting SO long… ha. I had never thought about it that way. It’s much more fun to think about it like that….

So, my biggest question right now is, “What is the cosmic joke?” I thought I had it all figured out. I thought that the reason I hadn’t met the man of my dreams, fell in love, gotten married, had kids was because of this TV show. But they just cut me. Yes, cut me. It is actually pretty funny, but I feel like wallowing right now and not getting to the humor right now. I’ll get there and I am sure I will have a good laugh. Later.

I am confused and sad and feel raped of a lot of things.  I am also pissed and feel that they are irresponsible and messy. How could they do this to someone? It’s not just a show, it was changing someones life and peoples lives together. I was getting married and now I am not. Am I that hard to find a partner for? I would think that a billion dollar matchmaking service would be able to fine ME a husband. I mean, honestly… I am easy to look at, have a fabulous personality, I am funny, smart, well travled, self aware… Is that too much?

But I have had and have the best life. I love my life. I do. But like I have said a million times, all of this is gravy – whats a the core of a fufilled life – in my eyes – is being able to share it with another. I am blessed, I know! I live a charmed life, I am healthy, I have lots of freinds and so much love – but I want to share my life with another! I do! And yes, I do want to be a TV personality – I always have. It seemed that this show was a manifestation of the ultimate variety. Pretty much wizzarding in a genious fashion – outdoing much of my wizzarding of the past. (Save for the spa styling job I had in Bali…) And now – here I am again. Single, in my one bedroom in Manhattan (which I love…) with no fiancé, no wedding to plan and no TV show. Now what? What do you do after this? I certainly am not internet dating – I was the spokes model for Match.com for gosh sakes… and look waht that got me? 1500 letters, a great photo, a commercial and a raido spot. Oh, and a 500$ gift card from American Express. Oh, I forgot to mention the T-shirt they sent me. I wonder where that is?

So now what? I guess I am not ready to go to the “now what”. I am still in, ” I can’t believe this is happening”.  I suppose I need to process and then think about the “now what”. Right now, I need to get this all out with some loud acid rock and some pole dancing.

Well, It’s been so long since I have last posted… and so much has happened. Ups and down, twists and turns. On the upside, my eating has hit a place of neutral. I eat breakfast most of the time and look forward to it. My cravings, binges and freak outs have subsided for 2 whole weeks. And, I lost weight! I’m eating more often, but I lost weight? Ha! My shrink is fast blowing holes in all of my theories! I think I have a ways to go, but I can see that I am pretty close. Beautiful place to be.

And on the man/husband/tv show front… Its seems that they have pushed the production back – AGAIN. The matchmaking weekend was to be this coming weekend. I was going to meet my husband to be and really dive into my wedding plans. However, TV time and real time seems to be completely different animals. So here I am, pretty much in limbo. They haven’t set a new date for matchmaking weekend, so we haven’t set a date for the wedding. Not that setting dates mean anything in their world. What upsets me the most about this is that I really want to get on with my life, meet that guy, get to know him, fall in love, have a kid and then see whats next – together. But I feel as if I am back where I was when this whole wild ride started – but now I am a year older, however a lot wiser and a lot more grounded. I am not sure where this wisdom and grounding is coming from, but I have to go wit it and stay in that place. Limbo is a horrid place to be whereas having ones feet on the ground, head in the sky… it’s OK – I know nothing is wrong. I think I just quoted my favorite song – “this must be the place” by the Talking heads. Interesting… guess I have to think about that?

None of my jeans fit. Well, thats not entirely true. I  just tried then all on and they were all too tight, save for 1 pair of AG denims that I have had for years and had to repair the rip I put in them from squatting one day and 1 pair of AG cords. Thank god for cords which stretch. Other than those 2, none seemed to fit my “new” body. Yes, I suppose I am happier with my new way of thinking about food and eating and the space that has opened up to think about other things, but I miss my thin thighs and thin arms. I have been working out alot lately. The new Tracey Anderson video is exceptional. But somehow, my body stays the same. I don’t eat that much – but I guess the shift from 1 meal a day and 32 ounces of vegetable juice to 3 meals a day and 1 vegetable juice is keeping my body where it is. I have a stylist friend who keeps telling me what a beautiful figure I have. I do have a nice figure. But I miss my old one. I’m on the verge of tears, right now, perhaps mourning the 6 pairs of jeans and 2 pairs of trousers that are now in my enormous bag of clothes that don’t fit or I don’t wear. I’m not sure that I think less about food than I used to, but I guess I obsess less. Maybe I’m sad because I am mourning an old way of being and of thinking. Seriously though – no one is going to love me any less because I am a few pounds heavier. My x-boyfriend said I looked great and I was about 10-15 pounds lighter…

I hear myself and I can’t believe that I’m so focused on this trivial subject! If I spent half the amount of time working that I did thinking about food and my body I would be more productive than Richard Branson. And I am still single. But I am getting married to someone that I don’t know. Will he like my body? He will have no idea what I looked like before. I hate how I sound and I hate that I still get sad. The plus side is that I am not going to go on a “cleanse”. I am not going to put a band-aid on all of this and do anything drastic. I am choosing to stay inside of it, choose to love the body that I am in and continue the path that I am on. I’m sad. Very sad. But I guess thats where I need to be right now.

Strange – I wrote this on Jan 22 and it too was never posted…

I just got back from having a coffee (decaf, splash of soy and splash of hot coco – mmmmm) with an old friend who I haven’t seen in ‘like’ forever.  She is an exceptional woman who I have known for a long time through many incarnations and actually many sources. We were sitting at City Bakery at the Drew Barrymore table” (Drew and Hugh sat there in Music and Lyrics) chatting away and these 3 tall HOT French men sat down next to us. We both look at each other not only caught off guard, but somehow silenced by disbelief.  While neither one of us is EVER shy for words and shy is certainly not a word  you would use to describe either one of us – but what to do? We did nothing. We chatted away in our own little world as if the seats next to us were empty. We are both still single and both dateless tonight. Tomorrow too I may add.

But an interesting topic arose from this non-encounter. How to compare the internet dating websites? Has anyone really ever discussed this? True, there are comparisons on line and a few people have mentioned a few of the sites and talked about them – but there is much to be said about each and every one of them. I wrote a spa review a few years back and I think my next review must be a dating review – Lord knows I’m the expert!