Its 2009 and its a bit strange.

It’s 2009 and my passport expires on March 31.  I never thought that day would ever come.  It is a bit sad and it is also a benchmark.  This book is filled with extensive travels. Each stamp is a reminder and has a story and a memory or 2.  It is filled again with visas and extension pages. I’m very proud of this. When I I was in school I had a friend who was a model  and she had extension pages and I gushed with envy. This became a goal. Goal accomplished. Well done.

It’s 2009 and I’m getting married this year.  To whom? We will all have to wait and see.  It’s a good thing because I have proved once again that I cannot choose myself. The Englishman turned out to be a flake and presently – there is no one.  Funny, I asked a very well trained person recently what they would do if they knew they were going to be married in 4 months (or so) to someone they didn’t know. Her answer shocked the hell out of me.

1) fulfill every fantasy she ever had

2) do everything possible to meet him before they find him.

Now option one sounds interesting… but could I really do that? Option 2, haven’t I been doing that? Perhaps not. Maybe making a blog super public is a really good idea?

It’s 2009 and I have made a resolution and a commitment to always SIT down when I eat. This will encourage mindful eating and hopefully, eliminate mindless munching. I had some gumdrops at Whole Foods tonight, do gumdrops count as food? Does this count as mindless munching while walking? I guess I’m off to a bitter sweet start then.

It’s 2009 and I started going to the gym and bought “bikini boot camp”  2 days ago. My clothes don’t fit and I have what I am calling a “holiday belly”. I don’t like this holiday belly.  I realized how much I have been eating and drinking for the past few weeks and its allot. I also realized that ignoring my clothes not fitting and ignoring a scale is only going to make matters worse. I am OK though… meaning, I am not obsessing and getting all upset and hating myself. This is progress.

It’s 2009 and I am ready for more… for food issues and Singletonism to be states of being from the past – things and thoughts that I used to think about and now wonder what it was like to think about or do… I am definitely ready… bring it on 2009…

I know I am a wizard in the manifestation department.  I just need to keep my head there ALL the time. If I don’t, I go off on tangents in my head and end up with my hand in the chocolate or whatever the indulgence of choice is at that time. But my aunts husband was NO help with his questions last night.  Why, he asks me?!  “Why are you single?”  As if I know the answer to that question. My astrologer says that I’m a late bloomer. I think it has alot to do with the fact that I have not-so great taste in men.  All my boyfriends and men that I was interested in ended up not working out how one would hope.  Look,  I don’t get it either and I will be able to answer this cosmic joke of a question at some point….

My mother has a beautiful house in upstate NY and I love going up there for some air and a break from the city. I surprisingly have alot of friends up there and have made some new ones as well. A few weeks ago I even met a great guy at a party.  I was wearing a turtleneck and clogs! HA, go figure. He is English, a gentleman, a very fit tri-athelete and supposedly has healing hands.  Nice guy.

This past weekend, a friend of mine had a big open house party at her brilliant shop in High Falls NY called Nectar. She asked if I could possibly help out and work which I would have loved to have done.  When I got there she clearly didn’t need me but I chose to stay all day as I was a bit stranded and had no car.  There were lots of fun people, lots of great food, wine, chocolate, cheese and of course the surroundings were incredible – her shop is filled with amazing things from all parts of the world.  I nibbled, munched and grazed all day.  Then as life works – I was going to go home and the Englishman showed up with his kid.   I suppose he really does not have very good manners because there was no “its so nice to see you, lets have dinner this week… “  something!!!!!!!” But that was not said.  I sensed his sadness and his bitterness towards his own situation, and I need not that in my life. Besides, I’m getting married in the spring anyway. I think my next post needs to be an exploration if I should tell men that I meet that I am getting married in the spring.  Back to our story when the protagonist was going to launch into a rant about that she really didn’t even like the Englishman she is  just sad, lonely and in desire of some male hands on her body!

I joined my sweet friend and awsomly fabulous man for dinner afterwards. We met up with a couple friend of theirs. All happy, all with kids, all younger than me. I wont even bore you with how I felt – but I took the emptiness of love and filled it with wine, french fries, steamed greens and then lots of chocolate.  Its interesting,  Flling a spiritual void with food is pretty darn unfufilling as it really just makes you sick. I mean, If your gut instinct is to run, hit a wall, bash a window in with a baseball bat – why move to food? Food is love and love is food – or so we are taught or shown as children. But its not. Food is nurishment. Food is also the medium for which I choose to express my creativity. It is also the medium for which I choose to express love and for which I choose to abuse mindlessly. Would I do this if my medium was paint or clay?  Thats a thought to explore on for a while.

I went to the wedding of my high school prom date last night. It was such a lovely evening and I had the pleasure of seeing friends that were such an integral part of my past that I haven’t seen for over 10 years. Some I haven’t seen since high school. I of course started tearing when Jed broke the glass and the clapping and Mazel Tovs began. He looked so happy and his lovely wife looked so stunning. I told him he won the lottery with nailing that babe!

I told my old friend Marc about the TV show. Marc and I have known each other since were 11 years old and were pretty tight in High School. We all had alot of fun together. Anyway, like I said, I haven’t seen him since high school. His take on the show was that it was beyond perfect. He and his wife have been together for 10 years and were even together in high school. He looked at it as my chances for love and a successful marriage were just as great as his. He also mentioned that remembering my boyfriends I do have pretty off taste in men and would most likely be better with others choosing for me! (thanks Marc!)

I feel good about the show again. I was thinking that they were never going to find someone for me, and that I’m actually too chicken to be married! I mean, can I be a wife? Can I? If I have never been a great girlfriend, than what makes me think I can be a wife? Would I want to marry me? I mean, Im cute, fun, a great cook, a great friend… but I never put tops back on things, I’m messy, I wont clean (yes, I have a cleaning woman) and I can get pretty reclusive. I mean, I know I can be a wife… I guess its just a new way of thinking about things and really talking. I’m really good at not talking -

So its official. I have signed a contract and the casting directors have already started discussing men with my ‘choosers’. This is rather surreal actually. I mean; who? what? where? and when do things like this really happen? Its funny actually. I think it really hasn’t sunk in that I am going to be getting married in less than a year to a man that I don’t even know. For some reason, it seems so normal to me in a way. Being the double Pisces that I am, choosing has always been difficult.  I remember vividly thinking when I went to university that I just wanted someone to tell me what to do. I guess I got my wish!

It’s funny. Ever since this whole TV show has shown up and I have been telling people about it, everyone seems to be saying the same thing, “I could pick the perfect man for you.”  “So why haven’t you?” Is my standard reply. What? Has everyone been holding out on me? Why? So bring ‘em on… But they all have about 5 days to do so, because after that Im signing a contract locking me in – if love decides to walk into my life up after that, I think it has to be on TV!

So, if anyone is reading and knows this guy – feel free to send him over my way. Here is what I think my perfect match should be…

So I guess it has come to this? All of my wishes granted in one fell swoop of the reality tv wand. I have to sign the contract this week – they are pullng at my shirt sleeve – but fortunately I have Murcury in retrograde on my side to stall the process a bit. SO – what are my concerns? A hidden camera, being on camera 24/7, (note, secret private habits) If I break the contract (that I’m bound into for 1 year) they can sue me for 5M, and of course WHO is this man that is agreeing to be on camera with me 24/7 etc etc etc… Does a family really need 2 camera happy people? Is a home big enough for the 2 of us. Well – Grace and George did ok.

If my purpose on this planet is to make it public and pave new paths in doing so, than maybe I should say what the hell?

What are the pros? A husband, TV, I could get noticed for other things, I could actually have a great time! Funny how I just can’t do things the usual way… but then I supose it wouldn’t be all that interesting…

I had such an a-ha moment in a dance class. Let me back up and say that I haven’t taken a dance class since about college. (so only a few years ago, hee hee)  On my friend Grace’s recommendation I went to the Ailey institute and took the Intro to Horton. There is me, in a room full of dancers, wannabe dancers and a scattered few who just wanted some exercise (those seemed to be the ones that made me choose to be comfortable!) Everyone kept completely to themselves until the tasty teacher walked in and everyone lit up. He started right away and I was pretty clueless. No introduction, no slowing down for new people, no rest for the nervous.

So here’s my aha moment. I was a klutz. But I was having the best time with a big smile on my face, absolutely NO rithem or clue what I was doing and laughing at myself and not taking it all too seriously. I kept looking at others smiling and suddenly they seemed to relax as well. I loved that my sense of humour put others at ease. I knew that NO ONE was watching me so there was no way that I could I look silly.  And that is the truth. No one cares. No one is really watching you they are only concerned that they look ok and are worried that someone is watching them! Do you think that is why we all love reality TV so much? We can look at others looking silly and no one could possibly look at us. So I have a new respect for the reality TV people – they don’t care. They go public. If you air it in public, no one can make fun of you.  Just like Madonna. Love Madonna.

Today’s thoughts on the baby – why the hell not? Is there really a convienient time for anything? Timothy Ferris says no… But it always works out…

I just got back from the Madonna concert. She is truly remarkable. The energy, the passion, the body, the the spectacal, the history. She is so much of an inspiration to me that I found myself wondering why I don’t just go and have a baby on my own like she did. (Yes, she had Carlo, but was he really a factor in her choice?) So I was thinking why not? I suppose she really got to me because I came home and ate pizza at midnight. That part is fine, its the gluten intolerance and allergy to cheese that will cause suffering. I am not sure what issues pizza at midnight will fix, but I suppose any distraction and numbing from thinking about being 40, single, childless and a renter is a good distraction. The funny part about it was, I was more than conscious when I was buying it, eating it and really enjoying it! So I can say that is progress and that I wasn’t numbing anything!

Madonna had her kid, got that one out of the way and then found true love. Maybe thats the way to go…

I just had lunch with my dear old friend Maggie. Mags is married with 3 kids, lives in a beautiful UWS apartment and has the most adorable husband. We have known each other for about 20 years now and went through our naughty 20’s together. I was telling her about the TV show and she is all for it. In her words, “what the hell do you have to loose”. This coming from a pure bread New England-off the boat WASP.

So I guess I never explained the show. Its on arranged marriage. The premise of the show is that your friends and relitatives know better than you do. I have to belive that this is true. I have not the best taste in men. Borderline horrid actually. So I choose some choosers and those choosers choose me a husband from men the matchmaker found for them. Interesting. Only… 3 major things:

1) Everything is on camera. Let me repeat… EVERYTHING

2) I really have to get married (that I’m fine with)

3) We have to be on camera the first 6 months we are together/know eachother…

So – my biggest question is… has it come to this or was this always my fate? Could someone be fated to get married – arranged – on TV? What I mean is that I have always known I would be a TV personality AND I have always known I was going to be in love and get married and have babies but never ever never ever did I ever think it would be in the same venue.

I manifest stuff all the time and it just happens. But it’s interesting how this one is so clearly a manifestation that was unclear to the universe. OR was it so clear to the universe and I just don’t get it? Is this the cosmic joke that everyone has been talking about?